Aging, Choices and Parental Figures' Deaths
Will it be on our own terms?
End-of-life care is a topic few of us want to think about until it is too late. Having recently watched my mother-in-law at age 101 studiously avoid the topic, I realize that few of us are likely to get out of this life entirely unscathed. The more thoughtful, proactive, and intentional we can be, perhaps the happier we will be, as long as we don’t insist on controlling what we cannot control. There’s a lot to think about — financially, physically, emotionally, spiritually — as we age.
With my mother-in-law’s death, there is no longer anyone left who thinks of my wife and me as “children.” We are now potential patriarchs and matriarchs, hard as that is to believe. That means we are officially OLD. It’s time to update our wills and think about our futures before there’s a crisis that forces us to think about topics we have studiously avoided.
Can you help us think this through? What are your plans, if any? Can you suggest resources?
Most people, if you ask them, say they would like to live in their own home, surrounded by loved ones until the end. This was not possible for my mother-in-law Carol. She had to move from her beloved homes at age 89, and again at age 100. That could not have been easy, sparking a sense of loss if not depression in most people, though in retrospect she adjusted relatively well.
Fortunately, I live in a community that tries to prioritize “aging in place,” but it’s still not as easy as it might be. The goal is still out of reach for almost everyone, WSJ Marketwatch reported.
A friend observed that most people die too soon or too late. What would our deceased relatives say about their own experiences? Were they happy and satisfied by the turns their lives took in their final years?
I’d probably choose the sudden death of my father-in-law at age 78 or the incredible longevity of my mother-in-law at age 101 if I can develop the spiritual, mental, financial, and physical resources to age gracefully and gratefully.
My point is to think about this now while we’re relatively “young” and in good health rather than to simply let things, possibly the worst, happen.
My interest in this topic goes back decades. In the late 1990s, I was contracted through a PR firm to work on an online community for Bill Moyers’ PBS series, “On Our Own Terms.” Before that, I worked on a Robert Wood Johnson-funded project, Last Acts, on improving end-of-life care. As I age, this no longer seems like just an academic, intellectual, or journalistic interest.
So I’m developing a series of articles on aging, 28 posts so far. Click to peruse. Or if you would prefer the package in a PDF for ebook reader, email me.
Below are my reflections on the last years of close relatives and how we might learn from their experiences. They provide both inspiration and cautionary tales.
Keep reading with a 7-day free trial
Subscribe to Slender Threads / Global Citizens / Public History to keep reading this post and get 7 days of free access to the full post archives.